After Antartica
by nic73
Summary: Nick muses about his life as he rocks his daughter
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes: **I wrote this for another site. After making screencaps of the whole series I had these thoughts running through my head. I thought I would post it here for any visitors to the Guardian site, plus it could be accessed through my profile

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Guardian no matter how badly I want to

Nick sat down wearily in the rocking chair and looked lovingly at his daughter, Anne. He had changed her diaper and hopefully now with the feed she will go back to sleep. Despite Lulu not wanting to be with him anymore she had agreed to him sleeping over and taking the nighttime feeds at the weekends while she is recovering from her cesarean. Nick looked around the colourful nursery, which they had managed to get decorated in time before the early arrival of Anne' and smiled to himself - he really was a dad.

It had been two weeks since Anne's birth and Nick's life had changed in so many aspects he barely recognized himself. He looked down at his daughter, her eyes were closed, her hands clenched into such tiny fists and she was sucking with deep concentration on her bottle, Anne opened her eyes as if she was aware that he was looking at her, she is so beautiful, he bent down and gave her a gentle kiss. . It was going to be a hard road for Anne, with greater possibilities of medical problems and with society but Nick also had seen that children with Downs syndrome can be happy and productive and Nick was going to be there with Anne to make her way as smooth as possible. He remembered the night when Lulu had told him about the test results and how he not slept a wink but had researched the condition and cried for the future they had lost. But then Alvin had given him the opportunity to work with Mark and Nick was touched by his sweet spirit and Nick had realized that their future wasn't lost, just changed. In fact Anne will have a lot to teach him about discovering happiness in his life. Nick promised once again that he would be the best dad he could be, he didn't want Anne to have the same relationship with him as he had with his father.

Nick remembered how abandoned and lost he had felt when he was left alone at the boarding school, still reeling from the death of his Mother. The holidays where he had been a nuisance in his father's life with the both of them just waiting for the day when the school term would begin once his dad had asked him to come to work with him at his firm, it had given Nick hope that perhaps his dad did want him. It turned out to be frustrating as they didn't know how to relate to one another and his dad had retreated,to the familiar role of boss, As Nick thought about his dad the old familiar anger tensed every fiber of his body and Anne squirmed beneath him. Nick looked down at Anne and suddenly saw a picture in his mind of his dad holding him and experiencing the same overwhelming feelings of love and protection for this new person in his life. His father had made mistakes, but no doubt he would make some too, but his dad had also been there for him during his drug bust even though, Nick must have caused him great embarrassment. His dad had risked everything to keep him out of jail and had still kept him on at the firm. Nick felt a shock run through his system, how would he feel if it was Anne in his place, the pain, worry and despair overwhelmed him. Nick began to realize the distress he had caused his father and recognized the moments when his dad had dared to reach out and show concern knowing that it would be rebuffed, and was, much to Nick's chagrin.


	2. Chapter 2

Nick realized that although his father had made mistakes he had never truly abandoned him. Nick had seen many children at LSP who had been abandoned by their fathers - just tossed a side,and by Mothers too.

"LSP! What a surprise to find myself the director of LSP!" Nick was shocked to hear the sound of his own voice, he didn't think he was speaking out loud. Nick thought back to the night before the budget meeting ...

***Flashback***

Nick put down the phone after talking to his dad. He told him how that at last, he had been able to hold Anne, it had felt so good. Nick was surprised that he didn't feel nervous about it and she had settled so easily in his arms as if she trusted him completely. Nick found himself smiling again. Nick had also told his dad about leaving his job and although his dad hadn't approved of him working at Walter and McNeil he wasn't happy about what he had done and thought he was being reckless and that he should go back and apologize, with a baby to support he needed to be more responsible.

What had compelled him to walk out, he had worked with worst clients than Clayton many times and still enjoyed the challenges and details of making a deal. He had just become overwhelmed with the futility of it all - the bickering over a few thousand dollars and he didn't want to be there. At least his Dad can say "I told you so " again. His dad had been right when he had left to work for Kirk and McGee - 'at least there I had lasted a week.'

Nick sat down at the table and it brought to mind sitting across from Talik and telling him that he last chance had failed, . Nick wondered why he had volunteered to talk to Talik It was a horrible job but it was something that mattered. 'I guess I didn't want Alvin's last act for LSP be telling a man he was going to die.' Business deals matter, they keep the world spinning but it was all cutthroat, petty and abstract. With Talik you couldn't get more real than life and death.

'But I enjoy business and love making deals' He told himself once more. Some of his most successful deals flitted across his mind. Nick didn't like what he saw, what he had had to do to make those deals. One that left a particularly bitter taste in his mouth was Henry Thomas. The man seriously needed help, he was on the verge of a breakdown and yet Nick had felt powerless to do anything...but in reality he wasn't powerless, just afraid of the consequences. He had tried to talk to his Dad but he could have and should have done more. How come he had done this work for so long could it have been just for the money and what had changed him. he was certain he had enjoyed it at the beginning,

The words of his dad came to him "I've seen you Nick, it's like you put more of your soul into it"

This time it was his cases at LSP that flitted across his mind. Lesley, Jessie, Violet, Hunter and many he had been given his community service at what is now LSP, he had barely listened to what Alvin and James had to say, he was just impatient to get back to his paying job. But then there was Hunter. He had found that he was able to relate to the boy and although, he ran from him at first, after going back, he knew he wanted to help him. As it became apparent that Hunter's father might not have been at fault, then he wanted to make sure that, unlike himself, Hunter had a father in his life. He could still feel the hug he had received from Hunter the day that he was given back to his father. Of course, it had ended up being a mistake but he had learnt from it. In fact so many of the cases had taught him something about people, life, and himself. He was amazed at how well he had related to the children - even the irritating ones. Nick found he wanted to give them the voice that was denied him.

Now his sentence was over and he and Alvin had done all that they could for Talik. He had looked forward to the day when he finished with LSP. Nick smiled to himself when he remember Alvin offering him the position as Director, he had been astounded when Alvin made the offer, he must have been really desperate. #End of flashback

Nick felt Anne move in his arms. She was stretching, she raised her eyebrows and a smile crossed her face. Her arms were stretched out and it reached all the way to the end of her tiny fingers. He was sure her legs were doing the same but they were buried in the lemon sleeper suit that drowned her. Then it was over and her limbs retreated to a curl and she snuggled into Nick. He decided they would stay there just a little bit longer. Nick saw it was 3am.

*Flashback*

Nick looked at the clock and gave out a long sigh, 3am and he still hadn't fallen asleep, LSP kept running through his mind. Earlier Nick had remembered a conversation he had with Emily when she had asked him "if money wasn't a question where would he work?" His answer had been at LSP but that money was a question. But he knew now that wasn't true. If his experience at LSP had taught him anything it was that money didn't matter, troubles came to all. "Perhaps I will continue to give time to LSP, but do I really want to get on that treadmill that I have been on for the past 3yrs? I need to give time to Anne - Anne needs me to be able to give time to her." Nick fell into a fitful sleep. *end of flashback*

"Now here I am Anne the Director of LSP. I had walked into the LSP offices that Friday morning to talk to Alvin about how we could make it work to find a desperate Emily. Alvin was gone and the funding committee were sat waiting. There wasn't anything else to do but take the meeting as the money was sorely needed. I found myself proclaiming that I was the new Director. I managed to get most of the funding we were asking for. My office isn't quite like the one I had at McNeil's but I am challenged and fulfilled. The pay isn't the same either but I have made enough over the years with some lucrative deals that we will be alright" A smile burst across Nick's features "You should have seen Lauri Solt's face when she saw me sat across the other side to the desk, it was a picture. She seemed very pleased though. Now your Mother...


	3. Chapter 3

I am sorry Anne that your Mother and I are not bringing you up together, united in the same home. We did try to make it work and although there are faults on both sided I realise that I have to shoulder most of the blame. When I first met your Mother I didn't know what to think. I was interviewing her for a job at the firm and she acted so differently than anyone else I had ever interviewed. She seemed so relaxed and comfortable. I noticed this dimple when she smiled, which I hope you have inherited. I was going to offer her a position when she announces that she has decided to take a different one and then breezed out the door. I was left with this feeling like I had just missed out on something. But then I walked into my office at LSP later in the day and your Mom was there making herself at home declaring that it was her office now. Alvin made us work together and I got the impression that she didn't like me much. I soon discovered that your mom was very different to me when she worked, she shows her emotions and sometimes lets them get in the way, but it also transformed into passion and determination to carry through with what she felt was right. I was fascinated by her and apparently, for once, I wasn't very good at hiding it. There was a night when we were watching a couple of boys at LSP, we were talking and she insulted me, kissed me and then told me that she had a boyfriend but that he didn't "look at her the way I did"

As you can imagine my head was all over the place and after a particular sleepless night I decided to ask her out and bought her some flowers, but her boyfriend turned up. I was my usual jerk and managed to cause a scene and then Brian, her boyfriend, asked her to marry him. I thing the dead flowers I tried to give her may have helped her decide to say yes. I thought my speech was sweet and sincere though. I had to endure the wedding plans, all the while knowing that she shouldn't marry him, that he didn't deserve her. Brian did something stupid, which I didn't learn from and although they married it didn't last long. After a couple of hiccups your mum and I finally got together and I was so happy when Lulu agreed to move in with me.

Then she told me she was pregnant. We were walking back from the store and you Mom had just told me a stupid story about a pie made with shaving cream and she suddenly blurted it out. I stopped in my tracks and almost dropped the sack I was carrying. My mind was in a whirl at first, did I want to be a father, was I ready to be a father, could I be a good father? Did Lulu want to be a mom and were we ready to bring a child into our relationship? We tried to talk about it but we were both in shock and couldn't get out minds around it. I laid awake all night and I thought about my life, my feelings for your mom and my experiences at LSP. I had made a mess of my life but I knew I was getting it back on track. I was had a chance at a family, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I love your mom and I wanted us to be together. I asked your grandpa for your grandma's ring and proposed to your mom. Unfortunately I didn't get the timing right and your mom thought I was only asking because she was pregnant.

I didn't take your mom's refusal very well. I felt rejected and that it meant she would eventually leave me and I would lose you both. I reached out to someone else, as a kind of payback, I guess. It was incredibly stupid and once I confessed to your mom she left me. I still wanted us to be together and your mom shut me out at first but then we tried, little by little, to put things back together. Learning that you had Downs Syndrome was , at first, devastating to us and as we struggled to understand what that meant it brought us closer to one another. It was still difficult for your mom because of what I did and we even tried counselling but after you were born I realized that your mom didn't want to be with me.

Nick closed his eyes as saying the words brought back the pain of that moment. He had been polite and understanding about it on the outside, but inside, he was devastated and had clung to the memory of the touch of his daughter to keep him sane. He found that picturing her face took away any desire to try to find relief through chemical substances. His heart was breaking but he thought he was covering it up well until Laurie had shown up at LSP after everyone had gone home. Nick was sitting alone at his desk trying to summon up the energy to go home to his empty house. He was so immersed in his gloom that he hadn't heard the elevator doors open and he startled when he heard Laurie's voice:

"HI Nick"

"Laurie, what are you doing here, has something happened?"

"No. I have come to talk to you Nick. Lulu told me that you and she have split up."

"She's spreading it around" Nick said bitterly

"No I could see something was wrong with you and mentioned it to Lulu and she told me. I'm sorry Nick I know how much you love her" Laurie lowered herself into the chair opposite from Nick.

"It wasn't enough Laurie. It wasn't enough to stop me from cheating on her. It wasn't enough for us to get back together." Nick picked up his pen and twirled it between his fingers and then threw it back down .

"I just wanted us to be a family!"

Laurie looked at the distraught man before her who had changed so much from the when they had first met and he had given her a dressing down. She had been amazed at how quickly the man, who had seemed so arrogant and cocky, had responded to the children who had needed his help. Rather than brush them off he gave them the benefit of all his intelligence and talent that made him a top notch business lawyer. Laurie had always wanted Nick to have her most desperate clients as she knew he would leave no stone untouched in the process of trying to help them. She had watched as the children he helped had broken down each one of his barriers that he had built around himself. She had smiled to herself when she saw that he had put a stick drawing of himself that a client had done up on the wall of his office.

Laurie knew that Nick loved Lulu and had witnessed all the anguish he had gone through. She was delighted when Alvin had told her they were finally together. But then Nick had hit the self-destruct button and lulu had been hurt too many times to overcome his betrayal and trust her heart to him again. Laurie wasn't always certain that Lulu was good for him but he deserved happiness. She felt sure that little Anne would now anchor him and he will be an excellent catch for someone...If only I was younger...

So Laurie explained to Nick about why it was too hard for Lulu to trust him again with all the people who had let her down.

"I was so stupid Laurie" was Nick's response not meeting her eye.

"No Nick you have your own issues that you are working out and rejection is as hard for you as betrayal is to Lulu"

Nick was still looking down at his hands and said so quietly that Laurie could barely catch it

"Will I ever be a good husband"

"Look at me Nick" Laurie waited until Nick finally looked up at her. "You have grown so much since the time I met you, and especially in these last few months as you have prepared to become a father to a child that many men would have rejected. Look at you - You're the director of LSP"

Nick gave her a 'can't believe it myself' look.

"You are going to be a wonderful father to that beautiful daughter of yours, which in turn will teach you to be a great husband"

Nick beamed "She is beautiful, Laurie"


	4. Chapter 4

Nick looked at his beautiful daughter:

"I can never regret my time with your Mom because she gave me to you"

He gives her a tender kiss and raises himself from the chair and places Anne, gently, in to her cot. Her body tenses and her she scowl's at the loss of contact. Nick reaches in and gently rubs her leg, she has found the action comforting since the day she was born, and sure enough she is soon relaxed and back to sleep. A smile crosses Nick's face. He has closed million dollar deals, and won difficult cases in court, but nothing gives him more satisfaction than knowing that his touch soothes his daughter.

"No matter what happens to you, no matter what you may do, I hope that you will feel that you can come to me confident in the knowledge that I will comfort and help you. I know that it is up to me to show you that you can always count on me. I guess if there is one thing I have learnt it is that trust once lost is hard to get back. I realise now that it was my trust that your Grandpa lost when he left us and then sent me away. It has taken me along time to forgive him, probably a lot longer than it should have. but I know now that I can trust him to always have by best interest at heart, even if I don't agree with him. So I can understand where your mom is coming from. I hope that she finds someone she can give her love to one day - I know that it won't be me. I will be fine with that in time."

Nick walks to the door and turns to give one last look before turning out the light.

Today was a good day, he muses. I helped a young girl get out of a very frightening situation, Emily and I had a pleasant lunch while discussing a difficult case she is working on. Work can be frustrating and heart wrenching but I feel good at the end of the day. Who would have thought that Jake was doing me a favour when he kicked me out of the firm, I think it was working with Dad that I enjoyed. I feel a responsibility to keep Alvin's legacy alive, of which, I am a testament of the good it achieves. But nothing compares to being with Anne. I was able to leave a little earlier than usual and finished painting the nursery at my place before coming over here. The furniture arrives next week and then Anne will be able to stay with me. I have found my reason for living and for living right! Now I am clean because that is what I want, because Anne needs me, and I need her. Nick smiled

"Life is actually good!"

He switched off the light and went back to bed to sleep soundly until Anne raised him again.


End file.
